“Mr. Mingweasle’s Shop of Delectable Confections” by Nick Hadgelias

–A play in one act–


List of Characters:


Mr Artimous Mingweasle: A vendor of lollies. Owner of the shop situated in Melbourne’s decrepit back streets and laneways.

Mr. Abbott: Prime Minister of Australia.


Interior of Mingweasle’s lollie shop. Afternoon.


Mr. Mingweasle stands behind the counter filling little jars with various coloured lollies. He whistles an unrecognizable tune. Mr. Abbott enters.


Mingweasle – Good afternoon, Mr. Abbott. What a superlative sight it is to see you come sauntering into my shop on this fine day. How does this exceedingly edifying afternoon find you? If I may be so bold as to inquire.


Mr. Abbott – Fine, thank you, Mr. Mingweasle. How are you?


Mingweasle ­– Oh, Mr. Abbott. You are too kind. Surly it isn’t possibly in your interest to wonder how a servant as lowly as I should be being on such a day as this! I would imagine that your minutes, hours and seconds are far too filled, nay brimming, with myriad stimuli baring magnitudanally more import than my well-being.


Mr. Abbott – Ah, not really.


Mingweasle ­– Oh! Well… I’m fine, thank you. And what, pray tell, may one of your humble servants perform, and thus, apprehending one of his or her own personalised wildest imaginings by way of procurement for your wonderful and lovely desires and fancies?


Mr. Abbott – …


Mingweasle ­– What do you want?


Mr. Abbott – Well, I want to buy some lollies, please.


Mingweasle ­– My word, young Mr Abbott, you have come to the very place for such necessities! What luck! For as it happens this is indeed a shop in which such items as lollies are sold!


Mr. Abbott – …


Mingweasle ­– What lollies would you like?

Mr. Abbott – I’ve been told I need to get some more lollies.


Mingweasle ­– Yes.


Mr. Abbott – But I only want a certain amount of lollies.


Mingweasle ­– Is it a financial limitation you suffer, Mr Abbott?


Mr. Abbott – Nup. It just wouldn’t look right to some people if I bought too many lollies. I campaigned on the promise that I wouldn’t get many lollies, especially particular types of lollies. And now, because of global political opinion, it’s become necessary for me to buy more lollies.


Mingweasle ­– Dear Mr. Abbott, but this is wondrous predicament to find yourself. You can do a good thing and secure many more lollies than you might have formerly required or deemed necessary. You could be seen as a hero to many. Well, maybe not hero, but at least not seem like such as bastard anymore.


Mr. Abbott – Yeah, but my campaign promises were pitched as being about a “healthy” number of lollies, but it was really about just being particular about which lollies we bought.


Mingweasle ­– Uhmm.


Mr. Abbott – So now we in the government don’t just want any old lollies. And we don’t actually want more lollies than before. So I’ve decided that I’ll just get the lollies that will look like I’m doing the right thing and cut back on other types of lollies.


Mingweasle ­– So it’s the same amount of lollies?


Mr. Abbott – Yup.


Mingweasle ­– They’re just different lollies?


Mr. Abbott – Yup.


Mingweasle ­– And you are still pretending that you’re doing what people want, which is buy more lollies?


Mr. Abbott – Yup.


Mingweasle ­– But it’s actually the same lollies, it’s just that you’re cynically choosing to buy lollies that will make it look like you’re doing what people want, which is, again, get more lollies. And some lollies you won’t buy and you will leave them behind.


Mr. Abbott – Yup, yup, yup.


Mingweasle ­– Perhaps it’s time you left.





Nick Hadgelias is a Melbourne based poet and fiction writer with a Master Degree in Creative Writing from Melbourne University.